Catholic Church Kilsyth

Religion with a sense of humour and a feel good factor - Page 1
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Religious Education

LOT 'S WIFE
Lot's wife
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and 
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 
'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced 
triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
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GOOD SAMARITAN
Good Samaritan
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the 
Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on 
the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
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DID NOAH FISH?
Noah
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did 
a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'

'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
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HIGHER POWER
Hands pointing upwards
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been 
learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a 
Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'

One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
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MOSES AND THE REDSEA
Moses and the Israelites
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind 
enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he 
got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people 
walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They 
sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'

'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.

'Well, no, Mom.. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
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THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
Psalm 23
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class 
memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. 
She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the 
Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in 
front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he 
stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and 
that's all I need to know.'
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UNANSWERED PRAYER
Pulpit
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father 
always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. 
One day, she asked him why.

'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so 
observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'

'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
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BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother 
says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. 
What does she say?'

The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
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TIME TO PRAY
Boy praying
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
'Yes, sir.' the boy replied.

'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.
'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'
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ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
Girl praying
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would 
bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and 
past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli 
would say, 'And all girls.'

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this 
closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do 
you always add the part about all girls?'

Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers 
by saying 'All Men'!'
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SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his 
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was 
being served. 
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.

'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do.' his mother 
insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and 
she knows how to cook!'

A Tale of The Pope's visit

A touching Scottish tale.....

The Pope comes to Glasgow and asks, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, wee Jimmy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Wee Jimmy replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pope put one finger of one hand in Jimmy's ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Jimmy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "James, how is your hearing now?"

Wee Jimmy answered, "Ah don't know. It's no' 'till next week....."


The Jury

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be
proud of:


 A defendant was on trial for murder.  There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
 
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door.  The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
 
A minute passed.  Nothing happened.
 
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.  But you all looked on with anticipation.
I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty." 

The jury retired to deliberate.
 
A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
 
"But how?" inquired the lawyer.  "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
 
The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."


You gotta meet Molly..........


Meet Molly.
She's a grey speckled pony who was abandoned by her owners when
Hurricane Katrina hit southern Louisiana. She spent weeks on her own
before finally being rescued and taken to a farm where abandoned
animals were stockpiled.
While there, she was attacked by a pit bull terrier and almost died. Her
gnawed right front leg became infected, and her vet went to LSU for help,
but LSU was overwhelmed, and this pony was a welfare case. You know
how that goes.
 
But after surgeon Rustin Moore met Molly,
he changed his mind. He saw
how the pony was careful to lie down on different  sides so she didn't seem
to get sores,
and how she allowed people to handle her.

She protected her injured leg. She constantly shifted her weight and didn't
overload her good leg.

She was a smart pony with a serious survival ethic.
 
Moore agreed to remove her leg below the knee, and a temporary artificial
limb was built. Molly walked out of the clinic and her story
really begins
there.
 
'This was the right horse and the right owner,' Moore insists. Molly
happened to be a one-in-a-million patient.
She's tough as nails, but sweet,
and she was willing to cope with pain. She made it obvious she understood
that she was in trouble. The other important factor, according to Moore,
is having a truly committed and compliant owner who is dedicated to
providing the daily care required over the lifetime of the horse.
 
Molly's story turns into a parable for life in Post-Katrina Louisiana ..

The little pony gained weight, and her mane finally felt a comb.

A human prosthesis designer built her a leg. The prosthetic has given
olly a whole new life, Allison Barca DVM, Molly's regular vet, reports.
And she asks for it. She will put her little limb out, and come to you and let
you know that she wants you to put it on. Sometimes she wants you to take
it off too. And sometimes, Molly gets away from Barca. 'It can be pretty
bad when you can't catch a three-legged horse,' she laughs.
 
Most important of all, Molly has a job now. Kay, the rescue farm owner,
started taking Molly to shelters, hospitals, nursing homes, and
rehabilitation centers. Anywhere she thought that people needed hope.
Wherever Molly went, she showed people her pluck. She inspired people,
and she had a good time doing it.
 
'It's obvious to me that Molly had a bigger role to play in life, Moore said.
She survived the hurricane, she survived a horrible injury,
and now she is
giving hope to others.'
Barca concluded, 'She's not back to normal, But
she's going to be better. To me, she could be a symbol for New Orleans itself.'

 
This is Molly's most recent prosthesis.
The bottom photo shows the ground surface that she stands on, which has a
smiley face embossed in it.
Wherever Molly goes, she leaves a smiley hoof print behind.


Forward this link and share it with all of the animal lovers that you know.

God's creatures often reflect the character we aspire to.

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."


A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
 
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."  - Winston Churchill
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." -  Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -  Mae West
 

 "Some  cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -  Groucho Marx

Dinosaur extinction - the truth

Fun with Finger Puppets



Latest EU Directive

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

great!!!!!!

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babies.

What does Love mean?
A group of professional posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4


"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time.
Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss".
Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen"
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.
I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5


"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image).
Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose
next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the
little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother
asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

A Chinese Proverb

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"
"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
SO, to all of my crackpot visitors, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!


I've been asked repeatedly who the webmaster
for the site is, well, click here for a photo

A Nun Grading Papers

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE . NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.


11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.


12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST.. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25.. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.



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God BlessYou!