Catholic Church Kilsyth

Religion with a sense of humour and a feel good factor - Page 1
Look out for more next week

Page 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11

You will need Flash Player
to view these presentations.
from E-Water.net

Time to croak!

Frog
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly.
"As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land !!!
Never give up on prayer

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall, The Wailing Wall, to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, slowly walking up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbien" he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years!!! That's amazing!!! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
-
-
-
-
-
-
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall !!!!!!!!!!"

Someone has written these beautiful words. One must read and try to understand the deep meanings in them. They are like a guide to follow in life.

1] Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble; it is a "steering wheel" that directs us in the right path throughout life..

2] Do you know why a car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the rear view mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, look ahead and move on.

3] Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.

4] All things in life are temporary. If going well enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don’t worry, they can't last long either.

5] Old friends are like Gold! New friends are like Diamonds! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a base of Gold!

6] Often, when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!

7] When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems, HE has faith in your abilities.

8] A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision."

9] When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them; and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

10] WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES; it only takes away today’s PEACE.

"It's a confessional Jim, but not as we know it..... "

A lapsed catholic goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the  other wall is a dazzling array of the
finest cigars and chocolates. 

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a  very long time since I've been to
confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

The 57 Cent Church

A little girl stood near a small church from which she had been turned away because it was 'too crowded.'

'I can't go to Sunday School,' she sobbed to the pastor as he walked by.
Seeing her shabby, unkempt appearance, the pastor guessed the reason and, taking her by the hand, took her inside and found a place for her in the Sunday school class. The child was so happy that they found room for her, and she went to bed that night thinking of the children who have no place to worship Jesus.
 
Some two years later, this child lay dead in one of the poor tenement buildings. Her parents called for the kind-hearted pastor who had befriended their daughter to handle the final arrangements.
 
As her poor little body was being moved, a worn and crumpled red purse was found which seemed to have been rummaged from some trash dump.
 
Inside was found 57 cents and a note, scribbled in childish handwriting, which read: 'This is to help build the little church bigger so more children can go to Sunday School'.
 
For two years she had saved for this offering of love.
 
When the pastor tearfully read that note, he knew instantly what he would do. Carrying this note and the cracked, red pocketbook to the pulpit, he told the story of her unselfish love and devotion.
 
He challenged his deacons to get busy and raise enough money for the larger building.
 
But the story does not end there.....
 
A newspaper learned of the story and published It. It was read by a wealthy realtor who offered them a parcel of land worth many thousands.
 
When told that the church could not pay so much, he offered to sell it to the little church for 57 cents.
 
Church members made large donations. Checks came from far and wide...
Within five years the little girl's gift had increased to $250,000.00 - a huge sum for that time (near the turn of the century). Her unselfish love had paid large dividends.
 
When you are in the city of Philadelphia, look up Temple Baptist Church, with a seating capacity of 3,300. And be sure to visit Temple University, where thousands of students are educated. Have a look, too, at the Good Samaritan Hospital and at a Sunday School building which houses hundreds of beautiful children, built so that no child in the area will ever need to be left outside during Sunday school time.
 
In one of the rooms of this building may be seen the picture of the sweet face of the little girl whose 57 cents, so sacrificially saved, made such remarkable history. Alongside of it is a portrait of her kind pastor, Dr. Russell H. Conwell, author of the book, 'Acres of Diamonds'.
 
This is a true story, which goes to show,
WHAT GOD CAN DO WITH 57 CENTS.

Click here for more information on this true story of the 57 cent church.







Proposed cuts to the National Health Service.

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the Government's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it,  but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the  Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash  their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,  and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the  matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were, well, pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the  idea was a gas, but the  Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

-:-
The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to England and married an English girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office

and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,

and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me.

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read English pretty good, and it say:

~~~Polish Remover~~~
-:-


Wives
While creating Wives, God  promised Men that good and
ideal Wives would be found in all corners of the world.
And then he made the earth round.

Out of the mouths (or pencils) of children…….



















Page 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11

We would welcome any humorous stories, jokes or images you can give us for the page.
Just click on the scroll to e-mail us webmaster@saintpatrickskilsyth.org.uk

 

God BlessYou!